Just wanted to make a note of the day that i decided (when) to tender and what kinda work i’ll be doin from now… which is, work where i dont have to give two fucks about what people think abt it. because i really don’t.. and i dont want to pretend that i do. sick of meaningless conversations at work.. and the need to get everyone’s thoughts abt sth. there’s really no need for people to impose their views on one another if everyone is workin in their best capacity in their own role. the fact that we are going arn in circles means we’re weak at what we do and we shouldn’t be doing it. a fuss-free explanation i’m giving for tendering will be that i jumped straight into work after graduation and didnt shop arn for other jobs; now looks like a good time, given that im surer of what i can / cannot / wish / don’t wish to do. i hate the idea of a farewell lunch though. will try to reject it but may not succeed, cos it’s a ritual that pple need to get around or else they’ll feel uneasy.
November 23, 2009
nausea
oh god.. i really think my time is up. maybe it’s good to just take no-pay leave to finish up what im supposed to finish up, then go la. i’m not contributing to the well-being or competence of the team or myself. so sad that i have to keep blogging abt this, for like the longest time. sigh, sorry reader! but if u read the book Nausea by jean-paul sartre, u’ll know exactly what i mean by nausea. and everyday i stare at the same things.. day after day, feeling nauseated.
maybe a piece of good news. ali and i have been accepted into the moving arts scholars programme! yippeee. term starts jan 2010. and i borrowed like a tonne of books on conditioning, ballet, movement understandin etc.. and i wonder, WHY THE HELL DIDNT I KNOW ALL THESE EARLIER?? Am wowed by all the stuff im (re)discovering. Feel like a young girl all over again. …Wait… I am young!! People kept mistaking me as like 19 years old. hehehe. okok, better not take for granted.
October 30, 2009
its my life
i cant believe it.. im suffering from what seems like teenage angst. it seems so overdue. and my adult acne isnt helping .. i feel 16 all over again.
i feel so messed up whenever i feel like someone is trying to manage me. i fly into an internal rage and my eyes will feel like popping out while i’m trying to keep a straight face because i know people have good intentions and it’s not their fault that i’m hyperallergic to being bossed around, imposed upon, told what to do, etc. but nowadays i just end up sulking cos i cant be bothered to be diplomatic anymore. it’s not constructive and i hate it and i get more bothered cos i’m contributing to the negative vibes in the room. u noe how eager to please i am as a person.. sigh.
the other thing adding to my pain – a real pain in the ass – is having a job that i feel nothing for. it’s like having a boyfriend i dont love at all, but i have to hang out with every single day. that’s a major prick rite?? fuck man. and i hate spreading negative vibes because everyone else around me seem to love what their doing.. seriously i really dont belong. it’s a great place, great culture, great people, but i dont see myself fitting in at all. im not contributing, so i might as well leave.
but im not leaving yet because i need to finish some projects (which i really wanna see results for) and because of the money (which i really need for obvious reasons). that makes every single day a living nightmare. i look forward to finishing those projects and leaving on a good note by mid 2010. goodbye nightmare, the grass is greener on the other side. my next job will not be an office hour job, and i will not have to report to other people. or layers of people. or people i cant identify with but am forced to work with. and i wont have to get angry riding the mrt during peak hours. everything about working like this just says something is very wrong. damn meaningless.
September 6, 2009
how?
nowadays my posts are mainly abt complaints.. whining.. that was not the case previously 
im stressed out. very stressed out.. i know what is to be done. i just don’t know how to start doing it.. i’m just very scared and i’m just imagining all sorts of scenarios……… maybe i’m overreacting ….
August 11, 2009
Sleep
I have not slept at 4.00am for the longest time… to think i was one of the chronic night owls from sec 1 (the time from which i got hooked onto instant messaging, from alamak chat to irc to icq to whatever) to end of uni and slightly beyond… that means sleeping later than midnight was a norm for an entire decade.. and a few months ago i broke that spell because i became more motivated to work – because i forced an impending deadline onto myself – because i don’t want to be stuck in one place.
Now i may be sleeping a lot earlier, but that doesn’t mean i’m achieving as much at work, but nvm.. Then now rehearsals are four times a week (since mid july, and the concert is only in sept, damn!), and gettin home fr NUS at 11pm means sleeping later than midnight, boo hoo….. *whine whine whine whine whine whine whine!*
That said, i’m still enjoying dance and still yearning and craving for more.. to achieve more than my lazy little ambition-less brain can push myself to.. and yes i will achieve one more achievement by end of 2009! lack of vocab at 4am
Heavy head, stayed up to work, but i had a wonderful long weekend. how often do they come by man?! awesome shit. i slept enough, though never enough, but i wake up happier. and i blame lack of sleep / stress for the break outs .. i hope i stop breaking out soon, i’m like freaking 25 la.
Ok, i had lots of fun producing my first video. And i’m also happy to know that tmr is the one and only day this week that i’m wearing work clothes to work. WOoooooooooot! Training and wed and thur, and fri is dress down day. What a wonderful week, and i’m just grinning with pleasure now. in my head at least.
Ah..
August 6, 2009
feedback
its a fine line between giving constructive feedback and imposing your views on others.
i really cannot handle the latter, just irks me and makes me very dysfunctional. the worst part is, i cannot control it.
preferred status in the world: observer!
August 3, 2009
august 2009
oh my word.. the past few weekends i brought home my laptop and did nothing productive on it. and i promised myself to do it!!! worse still, i promised someone else i’d do it!!! i’d just have to come in real early tmr *arghh!!*
come october, if we get a good queue number for the flat, that’s it …. i’m going to have to open the can of worms that i avoided opening for the longest time …. i’m so scared. honestly! but want to wait until when??
worms worms worms………… many worms.. a storm of questions… or maybe i’m just imagining the worst.. maybe i’ve been in a cocoon.. maybe mum had an epiphany.. maybe she’s just waiting for me to tell her my plans and then she’ll say, i’m all for it.. i’m right behind you.. i’ll give you all my support…
and that’s really all i need, but am not getting. real. pain. in. the. ass.
July 20, 2009
lazy ass
Wah lao i’m damn lazy man. Can’t even take 5 min to update blog.. 5 min to pack the rubbish on my table… 5 min to catch up on dance via youtube.. 5 min to help out with housework.. 5 min to eat breakfast or whatever with family.. sit down and talk or what. i’m just behaving like this irresponsible teenager . gaaaahh
Anyways, just to bust out some words on the laptop (which i bring home from work, but ultimately can’t bring myself to spend 5 min to check email): i’ve been eating a lot of barcelos, i had the chance to attend a wonderful bbq and lepak session at ecp with some of my fave colleagues, drowned myself in some (pork) knuckle and sausage after catching a (*^*&!#)&#^$ stand-up comedy with the midnight brunch minus dot. dot was in some display window taking part in a 24-hr blogathon (!! – restecp). and too much dance for my rusty body to take in a weekend, haha, but all is good. although at the back of my mind i wish i was bumming arn eating chips on the sofa, these are the activities i do want to engage in.
more on the stand-up comedy. disclaimer.. the guy was really talented, and had things going for him, esp in singing. he’s like.. ne-yo, and that’s not too far fetched la i think. the thing is.. i bought tix thinking i was goin to catch some real good action on stage, and to get some side-splitting laughs goin on a fri evening. and i dragged two other peeps down with me. ok.. so we arrived half hr late after melvyn missed the road and had to detour back and erp twice to drive onto armenian st. but the show just started, so we got in anyways, yay, because i was lookin forward to it all day. then we got ourselves a nice seat at the back, cos we’re not fond of being picked on by stand-up comedians of any type. ok, so there’s a band playin instead of a person, holding a mic, and getting people in on his funny stories. Ok…. so, one song finishes, clap clap. Look at angeline.. comment abt the “drums” aka box that was picked up from some random place, comment about this that. Second song finishes.. clap clap. Audience v encouraging. But i start to panic, because.. are we in the wrong show? The singer continues.. he asks, do we wanna hear the girl sing? And people are goin, yeah.. yeah.. let’s hear it. OK…………. sweat… i check my ticket like five times already by now. Look at melvyn, look at angeline, and feel so damn bloody sorry for draggin them down for this on a precious fri evening. I paid first, but i wasnt goin to ask the money back from them. Then terror struck me.. is the ‘daniel james sketch show’ the name of the freakin band????? did i not read the website correctly??? bloody hell! wah lan eh total waste of time. i was like close to slumping in my seat until this indian dude came in to interrupt the singing. and i was like… who is this. where is my ang moh stand-up comedian who was goin to brighten up my weekend? my precious weekend?
ok yeah so daniel james is indian and it turns out he IS the one we’re comin to watch – THANK GOD!!!!! hahhaha. major sigh of relief. but.. the show, being his first ever show (why didn’t you say it before i bought the ticket!), was alright for a first-timer, and really dubious at other times. hahhaa… i say keep it real, and know yr audience. he wasn’t doin a russell peters, and i guess its good he’s not copyin anyone, but half the time he was american, and the other half indian-singaporean. i was very confused because it felt like he was confused about it himself. and looks like he didnt know his audience well because no, we’re not ready to hear jokes abt his friend (who humps anything that moves) humping 13-yr-old girls in the stairwells, shouting a god’s name. . . i dont think we’re prude or what, i just think that subject matter was damn dubious, there’s no joke or originality in that story, and life isn’t better after hearing that story. maybe it is for a bunch of frat boys la. lastly i think paying customers have a right to walk out of a show they don’t like, but his multiple disclaimers made us feel like pay-to-patronise customers. that said, i think his next show will be better cos anything will be better than a first-time experience. that’s why they say practice makes perfect. just got to live with those horrible mistakes made. :p oh then we went to eat again, and we had no idea how big the pork knuckle was gonna be, but we ordered it , and sat at brotzeit for the longest time tryin to stuff ourselves, and wondering what the hell was everyone thinking when they were 17-18. haha. had a great time 
dance – i did more than i expected i could do! now my neck and back and everything is really paining. haha. no constant and consistent conditioning = really lousy performance *see title of post. anyway, am wonderin how long i can do this for. wonder abt it all the time!
work week ahead….. looks…. blazing busy, as it does all the time. dilbert keeps me happy, hahahha.
