made for greater things?

i’ve always thought i was made for greater things..not in terms of being the smartest or the most brilliant.. but in terms of being useful to somebody or something. guess i’ve yet to discover what that is.. or what my measure of success is. looking forward to the time off from the daily grind to find that out.. cos it’s now or never! that’s like my favourite catchphrase now. definitely sth to do with quarter-life moments. heh.

had an exciting weekend at singapore idol. did 6 songs in total..probably one of the most complex shows so far, haha.. quite stressful la. but routines were nice and blocking was quite exciting. was really pleasantly surprised when we were told, after each run, that it was a good performance guess the decent singing and good crowds helped! congrats to the top 2 idols.. despite all the talk abt it being won by another malay male, this idol competition felt a little diff to me.. the top 2 were younger, and the stakes of the game were diff for them compared to the previous top few.. could almost feel how this is a journey of them living a dream and tasting for the first time what it feels to be recognised for what they do and what they love to do. and how the road ahead looks bright and hopeful. or maybe i’m just colouring it with my own lens and personal ambitions :p off to breakfast.

freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose – janis joplin

i feel like i havent been a nice person all year in 2009.. especially in the later half. I’ve said things that hurt pple (i didnt mean to.. but i suppose it’s a matter of thinking thru yr words before saying them… at other points in time, i simply didn’t care if i was tactless.. which is worse).. i’ve behaved dysfunctionally.. and most of the time i didn’t care if i appeared disengaged.. uninterested.. even bored.. contemptuous.. and i’m feeling like i’m trapped in some sort of hormonal downward spiral.. or sometimes i dont feel like i’m of sound enough mind to do anything.. sometimes i feel fatalistic.. other times i imagine myself to be victimised.. today i feel a little bit more neutral.. and concluded that i’m dysfunctional because i wont play a game that i have no stakes in.. on other days when i feel terribly moody.. it’s because i know i’m operating on bad faith.. committed to a decision not because i want it but because it’s the easy way out. i need a therapist i think.. but i think some time out from everything will do just as fine.. if it doesnt get better then i reaaaally do have issues. and time is constantly running out.. or issit just a perception.. am i just hyperaware of time or what.. may not be so healthy at this point in time. ok back to work.

The day

Just wanted to make a note of the day that i decided (when) to tender and what kinda work i’ll be doin from now… which is, work where i dont have to give two fucks about what people think abt it. because i really don’t.. and i dont want to pretend that i do. sick of meaningless conversations at work.. and the need to get everyone’s thoughts abt sth. there’s really no need for people to impose their views on one another if everyone is workin in their best capacity in their own role. the fact that we are going arn in circles means we’re weak at what we do and we shouldn’t be doing it. a fuss-free explanation i’m giving for tendering will be that i jumped straight into work after graduation and didnt shop arn for other jobs; now looks like a good time, given that im surer of what i can / cannot / wish / don’t wish to do. i hate the idea of a farewell lunch though. will try to reject it but may not succeed, cos it’s a ritual that pple need to get around or else they’ll feel uneasy.

nausea

oh god.. i really think my time is up. maybe it’s good to just take no-pay leave to finish up what im supposed to finish up, then go la. i’m not contributing to the well-being or competence of the team or myself. so sad that i have to keep blogging abt this, for like the longest time. sigh, sorry reader! but if u read the book Nausea by jean-paul sartre, u’ll know exactly what i mean by nausea. and everyday i stare at the same things.. day after day, feeling nauseated.

maybe a piece of good news. ali and i have been accepted into the moving arts scholars programme! yippeee. term starts jan 2010. and i borrowed like a tonne of books on conditioning, ballet, movement understandin etc.. and i wonder, WHY THE HELL DIDNT I KNOW ALL THESE EARLIER?? Am wowed by all the stuff im (re)discovering. Feel like a young girl all over again. …Wait… I am young!! People kept mistaking me as like 19 years old. hehehe. okok, better not take for granted.

ballet

i just took my first ballet class in 12 years!!!!!!!

its my life

i cant believe it.. im suffering from what seems like teenage angst. it seems so overdue. and my adult acne isnt helping .. i feel 16 all over again.

i feel so messed up whenever i feel like someone is trying to manage me. i fly into an internal rage and my eyes will feel like popping out while i’m trying to keep a straight face because i know people have good intentions and it’s not their fault that i’m hyperallergic to being bossed around, imposed upon, told what to do, etc. but nowadays i just end up sulking cos i cant be bothered to be diplomatic anymore. it’s not constructive and i hate it and i get more bothered cos i’m contributing to the negative vibes in the room. u noe how eager to please i am as a person.. sigh.

the other thing adding to my pain – a real pain in the ass – is having a job that i feel nothing for. it’s like having a boyfriend i dont love at all, but i have to hang out with every single day. that’s a major prick rite?? fuck man. and i hate spreading negative vibes because everyone else around me seem to love what their doing.. seriously i really dont belong. it’s a great place, great culture, great people, but i dont see myself fitting in at all. im not contributing, so i might as well leave.

but im not leaving yet because i need to finish some projects (which i really wanna see results for) and because of the money (which i really need for obvious reasons). that makes every single day a living nightmare. i look forward to finishing those projects and leaving on a good note by mid 2010. goodbye nightmare, the grass is greener on the other side. my next job will not be an office hour job, and i will not have to report to other people. or layers of people. or people i cant identify with but am forced to work with. and i wont have to get angry riding the mrt during peak hours. everything about working like this just says something is very wrong. damn meaningless.

fuck la fuck fuck fuck la

cant stand it when pple use the accusatory tone on me

how?

nowadays my posts are mainly abt complaints.. whining.. that was not the case previously

im stressed out. very stressed out.. i know what is to be done. i just don’t know how to start doing it.. i’m just very scared and i’m just imagining all sorts of scenarios……… maybe i’m overreacting ….

Sleep

I have not slept at 4.00am for the longest time… to think i was one of the chronic night owls from sec 1 (the time from which i got hooked onto instant messaging, from alamak chat to irc to icq to whatever) to end of uni and slightly beyond… that means sleeping later than midnight was a norm for an entire decade.. and a few months ago i broke that spell because i became more motivated to work – because i forced an impending deadline onto myself – because i don’t want to be stuck in one place.

Now i may be sleeping a lot earlier, but that doesn’t mean i’m achieving as much at work, but nvm.. Then now rehearsals are four times a week (since mid july, and the concert is only in sept, damn!), and gettin home fr NUS at 11pm means sleeping later than midnight, boo hoo….. *whine whine whine whine whine whine whine!*

That said, i’m still enjoying dance and still yearning and craving for more.. to achieve more than my lazy little ambition-less brain can push myself to.. and yes i will achieve one more achievement by end of 2009! lack of vocab at 4am

Heavy head, stayed up to work, but i had a wonderful long weekend. how often do they come by man?! awesome shit. i slept enough, though never enough, but i wake up happier. and i blame lack of sleep / stress for the break outs .. i hope i stop breaking out soon, i’m like freaking 25 la.

Ok, i had lots of fun producing my first video. And i’m also happy to know that tmr is the one and only day this week that i’m wearing work clothes to work. WOoooooooooot! Training and wed and thur, and fri is dress down day. What a wonderful week, and i’m just grinning with pleasure now. in my head at least.

Ah..

feedback

its a fine line between giving constructive feedback and imposing your views on others.

i really cannot handle the latter, just irks me and makes me very dysfunctional. the worst part is, i cannot control it.

preferred status in the world: observer!